wasting things is a real pet peeve of mine. i detest seeing people on the streets carrying 2 or more plastic bags. i take canvas bags with me everywhere, & if i can’t fit it all in my bag, i carry it. i don’t require the same from every1. i just hope that people realize, they hav 1 bag, they don’t need another. i mean, i know i’m no saint. i could do a lot more than i do. & i watch a ton of movies/ tv on my laptop. i know i waste 2 i just feel some easy things, every1 could do. recently i got in a fight w/ my roommate, i thought we were wasting to much tp. i didn’t understand how we went thru a whole roll in one day. i know i pee a lot, but i use 2 or 3 sqs per tinkle. :p the next day she tried my method, & found she didn’t get pee on or fingers like she thought she would. today i woke up & she had 2 lights on in the living room, while she wasn’t in there. i turned them off. she came back in & turned them both in. i asked if it was ok 2 only have one light on. she said she needed both. then she said something that kind of ticked me off, but i let it slide. she implied how i should stop telling her how to live. i mean we live together, pay for electricity evenly, whatev. the way she lives, does affect me. i told her i just thought it was too bright in there & that it was earth day. she said she was sorry, she didn’t know. when i’m sharing costs on tp, electricity, etc, it’s part of how i live 2. i mean i know i’m being selfish, wanting to pay less money, but i also want her to see that a little goes a long way. i just don’t want the people i live w/ to be uber wasteful. i mean i live here, i see it going on, i can’t help but speak up, right?

poenevermore:

sexy sexy!

yum!!!

i’ve always wondered why people treat me mean, or act in a manner towards me where i think they don’t like me. i used to always think i did something wrong. maybe thats why i always second guess myself. i’m not a very confident person, but i’m an actress, so i try to fake it a lot. i remember in high school people thought i was stuck up because i walk tall. i’m shy. or was shy. or am a little shy, whatever. i’ve worked on myself A LOT over the years. trying to not hav a shred of the person i used to be. i was picked on, laughed at, made fun of when i was little. i grew up and instead of being picked on, people treat me like i’m a bitch. i think people think i get special treatment. people treat me different or something. they think i’m one of those girls that things just get handed to them, so people r mean to me. well let me let you in on something, i’m not one of those girls, so stop treating me like i took something from you. i don’t get special treatment. i work really really hard, & u know what i get, not much. in my experience, most people are hurtful creatures, & once in a blue moon i find a good one. i’ve grown up practically hating the human race for things people have done to me. i mean i think thats why i really hate kids today, because they were so mean and hurtful to me. i remember when i was little, being very happy & carefree. i dunno what happened, kids i guess, but i remember being very sad, much of a loner. Kindergarten was the only time i was happy, after that i remember not liking people very much. I look so sad in my 1st grade school picture. i had a handful of friends, the good ones, but i remember a lot of kids being mean to me. i never knew why. i think it made me cynical at a young age. I was never very trusting after that. I wanted to be friends with every1, even if they were jerks. Now, not so much. I’d rather just be by myself. i guess i turned to tv & movies. they were my friends. tv & movies are pretty much everything to me. Some1 said recently that they believe most people are good & the bad ones are the exception. Maybe that’s tru & I’m just a horrible person so no one likes me, & every1 treats me like shit. Or I’m just a pushover & people take advantage of me. I’m just saying in my life, I’ve seen people that way. Maybe my childhood experiences hav colored the way I see the world. I’m just too cynical to see the good. The thing is I go into most things, trying to see the good, & just getting disappointed. I keep thinking, if most people are good, then it has to be me. It has to be something I did, something I said. Or maybe I’m just drawn to the crappy people treating me like shit & degrading me. I mean that MUST be it. I wanna believe most people are good, I just haven’t seen the proof. Is it like God, can’t see it, but u know it’s there? Every year I get older, I just seem to dislike people more and more. I’m just supr fucked up n the head. I need therapy. Wish I had the money for it.

a couple yrs ago i fell down the 14th st 6th ave subway steps while it was raining. now i fall all the time. i’m such a klutz. but this time falling down the steps was life changing. i fell down so hard i couldn’t get up for a couple mins. once i did, i was limping & crying. the next day i noticed a HUGE bruise & bump. i actually took a pic & posted it cuz i thought the bruise was pretty. the pain was not pretty tho. it hurt so bad i stopped doing yoga & pilates & haven’t really got back into it as much as i used to. it hurt for a really long time. a really long time. the bruise went away in time, but the bump, the bump did not. i did some research and came to the conclusion it was a hematoma. i read it can heal in a couple weeks to a couple years. at this time, i did not have health insurance. i figured it would heal on it’s own, so i would be fine. if it didn’t, i would take action when the time came. This was 3yrs ago. I fell the summer of 2009. I had just moved to Park Slope, Brooklyn. (Oddly the week i moved to Hell’s Kitchen, Summer 2011, i dropped a bottle & cut my chin. since i had health insurance now, i went to the ER for fear i would need stitches. i hav a scar now) I went to urgent care a couple weeks ago to see if i would need surgery on what i thought was a hematoma. The dr said it wasn’t a hematoma, it was a gluteal contraction. it was torn muscle that didn’t heal properly. he recommended i see a plastic surgeon in the same building. the next week i saw the surgeon. he said it was indeed a hematoma. There was also damage done to the butt, & kept referring to it as a “deformity” that scared me more than anything. i was deformed. for the last 3yrs i was cursing that day. i fall all the time, why was that so different. now i’m deformed. i was always self-conscience about my body, but my butt was actually pretty good. now i’d gone & fucked that up. so the surgeon said he could do some fat grafting to even out the butt. it would nevr b 100% back to normal, but he thought he could do 80/85% so then we talked about money. this would cost $5,000. not covered under health insurance because it is cosmetic. i cried. i cried hard. i cried over my deformed ass. i figure, wanting to be an actress, my body has to be prefect. i fear i won’t get roles because my ass is deformed. i had a great ass, but i fucked it up. i cried some more. i cried pretty much the whole day. me & my deformed ass. There is no way I could ever find $5,000. I played the mega millions last week, hoping God would be on my side. I mean I always say if I win the lottery, a huge portion would go to my parents & a huge portion would go to charity. I would buy an apt (& live by myself!!!!!) & get this surgery for me. Yeah a lot of people thought for sure they would win the lotto. I really thought I deserved it. Guess not. I want to believe things will work itself out. One day I’ll be able to get the surgery & not feel deformed anymore. I’m still getting calls from the surgeon’s assistant. I’m sure if I talk to her again, I’ll cry. So I don’t call back. I haven’t worn a bathing suit in 3 years, or anything really tight. nothing tight on my butt, for sure. i have a butt on my butt. i have a 3rd butt. it was funny for awhile. when it lasts this long, it’s not funny anymore.

in August my Dell laptop’s hinges were falling apart. i took it to staples to be looked at. some jerk put me on the phone w/ the hotline & walked away. that week they sent me a box to ship my perfectly good laptop with the exception of the hinges to a company called blue raven to be repaired. a week later blue raven called me to tell me they couldn’t repair the hinges (this i find bullshit) so the company tiger direct would send me a NEW repeat NEW computer. In October, i get the laptop. i open it & inside is a box with the word REFURBISHED in big bold letters. i am outraged at that moment. my mom always told me to never get anything refurbished. i listen to my momma. i figured if thats what they sent me, i’m sure it will be fine. the first couple weeks i had problems. cursed the computer, but it wasn’t anything too bad. In November the computer crashed & i couldn’t turn it on. i was able to turn it on 3 days later, but before that i called up. I called staples. they said this fulfilled the warrenty, there was nothing they could do. they suggested i call the company who sent it, tiger direct. i called up tiger direct & they informed me that since i never physically purchased anything from them, there was nothing they could do. this was a little over a month after i got the computer, mind you. i figured i’m stuck w/ it then. since it turned back on, i figured it was ok. nope. it’s crashed several times since, among other things. at a certain point i figured it was still useable. i also figured it was punishment & i deserved it for breaking the other computer. if i could go back in time, i would never have sent that computer in. the computer worked like a dream, never had one problem, had it for two years. so here it is January 26th, i attempt to make another call asking to recieve my old computer back (which i knew was a long shot) or get a new computer. i called up & explained everything to the bitch operater, whose long awkward pauses made me want to punch her even more. so she finally asks for my incident number to look up my info. she tells me “you never reported it” i reminded her what i said. i called in NOVEMBER. i called staples, they were dickwads & i called tiger direct who were dickheads. she said it was never reported & it had been to long, so i would have to go thru the manufacturer. i reminded her that my original computer was a dell, & this was an hp (since my brother seemed 2 think that mattered) she scoffed & said the one u hav problems w/ is an hp, correct. i said yes, it was. duh. that was my point. my dell was a good computer & i want it back. i politely said thank you. after i hung up i cursed her out so hard. she would have cried. like i did. so my point is, don’t ever buy anything from staples. they will just screw u over. like they did me. the people that work in the store, & the people on the hotline are all assholes. i don’t care (well i do actually) if u can’t do anything for me, can u give me less attitute & please tell me you’re sorry. nobody ever said they were sorry. i work in retail, i’ve been taught to keep the customer happy, always say sorry if something goes wrong. why the fuck don’t they teach that at staples, huh? they need a mannrs class. mind you i never gave any1 attitude, until they gave it to me. so staples go fuck yourself!!! 

a couple things made me think of this today. so why not talk about it. some guy hit on me 2day & i really went off on him. when guys give me the “do me” eyes or lick their lips, i want to kick them in their ever lovn balls. i normally don’t have good experiences with men & have always had some kind of either fear or hatred. i just watched a youtube vid of a girl who was ashamed that she blossomed earlier than her friends. i can relate. i was never obese, i guess i was just u know, bigger, whatever. so i had boobs when most girls didn’t. i used to get teased that i stuffed. i never stuffed. had no reason to. i mean i was teased mercilessly in school on many things. i always just concentrated on school work. i did get attention from older gentleman. unwanted attention. old men are prevs! thats all i have to say about that. in high school, i got more attractive. lost a ton of weight (ah eating disorders!), concentrated on looks. i guess i was so tired of being picked on, i don’t know. or i saw that all the pretty girls got what they wanted. i know the only thing i have going for me is sexuality. i do use it sometimes, when i need to, but & i don’t think i’ve ever said this, it scares the hell out of me. i’m a very scared, confused, messed up girl. nobody really seems to get that because i hide it so well. i hide my whole life. my life is secrets on top of secrets. not to mention the older i get, the more i just wanna be by myself. i don’t know if this is the pms talkn, or what. but this kind of just poured out of my fingertips. i’ve always felt like i took over some other girl’s life. like i don’t belong in it. i’m not good enough for it. i used to yell at people who called me Mandy, cuz thats who i was when i was younger, thats not who i am anymore. the thing i’m scared of most is that i am still her. i keep tryn to become Amanda. i never feel like i’ve made it. i’ve always done that fake it to you make it thing. i keep tryn to be Amanda, but i find myself falling flat. i’m a big giant sham & i think i hide so much, because i don’t want to be found out. god that feels good to just get that off my chest.

RDJ River (from Ally Mcbeal)

I have been in love with Robert Downey Jr every since i saw him in Only You. I first saw him in Soapdish when i was a wee lil child. i didn’t know what love was, but i’m sure i loved him then to. i have seen almost every one of his movies except for 1 or 2. & i have seen all his movies in the theater since Zodiac. i fuckn love this guy ok. so in 2008 i was camping out for Madonna’s free concert @Roseland Ballroom, promotion for the hard candy album. 1 street away from Letterman, right. a couple of us our at the backdoor of roseland listening to Madonna reherse, across the street from the backdoor to Letterman. well some people started talking & they said they saw Robert Downey Jr. How did i not know RDJ was gonna be on that day? was i too caught up in all stuff Madonna.  This couple showed me pictures w/ Robert & told me all about the show & meetn him. i die. I was one st away from RDJ & i didn’t even know it. Ever since then i swore i would meet him. Everytime he does promotion i either have to work, or that just so happens to be the week i go home 2 MD, of course. Yesterday he was on Letterman, & of course i had to work. I tried to catch him after but i was told he just left when i got there. Today i woke up super early to see him @ Live w/ Kelly. I had to get up anyway because i was on call for work, so it wasn’t that big a deal. I go there, see him drive in & drive away. He never stopped. Never signed anything or took photos. Yes, i did cry. I beleive in signs & i feel like there has to be a reason i haven’t met him yet. I believe it will happen 1 day. I just really wanna ask him if he is gonna do another album (i just love when he sings!!!) & if he would ever do SNL again. My 3 Fave things in the world are RDJ, Madonna, & SNL. There is an episode of SNL where RDJ was in the cast & Madonna is the host. soooooooo great!!!! I’m happy i just got to be near him. That sounds creepy, right? o well. i <3 him.